What Men Actually Find Attractive#

There's an article or online book called Dispelling Beauty Lies that I first stumbled upon around a year ago. It is... a weird text. In its own words:

Dispelling Beauty Lies is the most accurate and comprehensive guide to feminine beauty ever written. If you’re ready for real answers, read on.

The article (blog? book?) is extremely long (some 800+ pages if it were a book), prone to conspiratorial tirades about the lies of the fashion industry, and written in a frankly bizarre font. But at the same time, it is clearly the result of a tremendous amount of research and contains both the most accurate description of what men actually find attractive and the best actionable advice for being more attractive I've ever seen.

As such, I've written this guide to try to capture the wisdom and advice of Dispelling Beauty Lies (or DBL from here on) in a more approachable format. You can always read the original here: www.jsanilac.com/dispelling-beauty-lies/.

The goal is for you to know what men find attractive — and then do with that knowledge whatever you please. You may ignore it all completely, because you dress to express yourself and not for the eyes of men. Or you may use bits and pieces, in private with your boyfriend. Or you may use all of it to seduce a tall handsome billionaire to be your husband. In any case it is useful to know the truth.

Let's begin!

What do men find attractive?#

DBL argues that this is a topic where people have strong incentives to lie, either to flatter, to be polite, to signal refinement and class, or to sell you products. So, to know the truth, we must look at what men choose in private with no constraints, in erotic art, sex dolls, and AI images. Which is...

Big tits, thin waists, big butts.

This isn't exactly surprising, but you might understimate how strong this tendency is. Here are some examples men would find very attractive:

In general the pattern is: strong hourglass figures, large breasts (the median preference is actually around an E cup!), round and shapely butts (shape is more important than size), long hair (always), and a combination of curves and youthfulness (with one being able to make up for the lack of the other). Here are a few more examples for you to get a feel for this:

Of course, these aren't particularly realistic beauty standards — many of these images are literally AI-generated! — and you certainly don't have to look exactly like this to be attractive. But the basic point is important to understand: men like huge tits and exaggerated curves.

Note the contrast with the tall, ultra-thin models common in fashion, which men find much less attractive:

We could lament how men are barbarians and dogs, and there would be some merit to that. But this is the world we live in, and thankfully, understanding what men enjoy in private leads to many useful takeways — which is what we will consider next.

Weight#

First of all, find your ideal weight. This is not as skinny as possible! The ideal is slim but soft, and in fact if you have visible abs, you are almost certainly too skinny. To give a provocative example, consider these images of, at the time, the world's most popular stripper — a publicity photo followed by some frames from a video at an unflattering angle:

She's not too skinny, but the plumpness is not a defect, as it's well balanced to her overall figure. In fact, it is surprisingly common in erotic art to see accessories which accentuate this kind of plumpness:

Of course, it's also not attractive to be overweight, and the above stripper's belly protrusion is just about the maximum that is still attractive. What your ideal weight is will depend on your genetics and how much of your fat naturally goes to your breasts, butt, and thighs, as opposed to your waist. The stripper has a favorable fat distribution so her ideal weight is relatively higher; for most people it will be relatively lower. The goal is the right balance between a small waist and feminine curves — don't fixate on fat deposits in isolation from your overall shape.

To give you a better intution here are some more examples of the kind of "moderate" fat level DBL argues is most attractive:

And some examples of girls who are too skinny:

Exercise#

For the purposes of being attractive, the biggest bang for buck activity by far is training your glutes at the gym. Secondarily, it's also good to train the rest of your lower body (in particular your quads, hamstrings, and abductors) as well as your upper back (to emphasize the hourglass figure). But if you train just your glutes 2-3 times a week, that's already excellent.

It is possible to be too muscular, and broad shoulders and muscular arms are more negative than positive for women. But it's also not that easy to overdevelop your upper body as a woman, so if you practice a sport or train upper body for functional strength, don't stress about this too much — the positive impact on your health and general fitness likely means this is still a good use of your time. It's more that if you're training for aesthetics, you can skip most upper-body exercises.

The ideal leg shape is a lot like a Ming vase, tapering towards the knee and thickening as it approaches the hips. And of course you want disproportionate bulk in the butt, as well as to a lesser extent in the upper part of the front thighs:

Note that, as stressed in the previous section, the ideal is still soft rather than visibly muscular. The most attractive legs derive their shape primarily from fat, not muscle — and while models with a large rear and attractively thick thighs may credit them to exercise, often the main causes are genetics, good weight management, and surgery. Still, exercise done well has phenomenal return on investment for your attractiveness.

In terms of how to actually train, the following is one possible approach. 2-3 times per week, do:

For each exercise, do 3 sets, resting 60-120s between sets. In each set, do reps until you can't do another with good technique, with a weight heavy enough that this happens somewhere in the 8-12 rep range. Try to add reps from workout to workout, and once you hit 13 reps on your first set, increase the weight slightly next time (which will drop you back into the 8-12 range).

These exercises are ordered by aesthetic importance, so if you want a quicker workout, just do the first four, first three, or even just first two exercises. Rest at least one day between gym days, eat lots of protein, and do your best to get lots of sleep. Consistency over time (as in, over many months and years!) is more important than extraordinary effort on any given day.

Clothing#

General principles#

It is enormously beneficial for your attractiveness to wear clothes fitted at the waist, as this highlights your curves. Since off-the-rack clothing tends to be cut for thick waists, in practice this means wearing stretch fabrics or going to a tailor (which is well worth it!). To flatter your lower body, wear items like leggings, well-fitted pants, pencil skirts, and dresses.

An exception can be made for very straight/thin women, who can wear looser, flowing clothes well. Other than that, baggy items should only be an outer layer over a visible, figure-hugging underlayer. Avoid boxy t-shirts, oversized sweaters, and baggy jeans, even when they're in fashion. If you have narrow hips, consider wearing flared skirts with fitted waists to help simulate an hourglass.

Here are some examples of outfits following these guidelines:

todo: oxfordc omma verywhere?

Of course, you should also signal trustworthiness and class, not just sex appeal. But you can mostly have your cake and eat it too if you pick styles which are figure-revealing and modest, like snug high-necked tops and long waist-fitted skirts. In general, you should try to match the modesty norms of where you live.

This is particularly relevant when it comes to showing cleavage. This isn't inherently trashy, and men find it very attractive, but being noticeably immodest is not ideal. If you have larger breasts, lean towards wearing higher necklines with fitted silhouettes. If you have smaller breasts you can show more cleaveage more easily, and potentially you can even get away with going braless and showing faint nipple imprints — this has a powerful effect which men will notice, regardless of what they might say. With larger breasts showing nipples is generally too lewd.

Since all of this depends on social context, your intelligence and sensitivity will have to guide you.

These recommendations also apply when you're at home, and you can use them to make sure your comfortable and low-stress clothes are also attractive. And note, while the naked body is exciting, it's often even more exciting to conceal something your man wants to see — so dress provocatively at home, but also don't show too much too often, leave something to be revealed.

Styles that boost sex appeal#

There are a few items in particular which are criminally underused given how much they boost your sex appeal. First of all: chokers. It is quite shocking just how common these are in all kinds of erotic imagery. A plain black band is the classic choice, but other options include a ribbon tied in a bow or lace/ruffle ornamentation. These are pretty universally beloved, and not because of the dog-collar resemblance — in fact, dog-collar chokers are the least appealing kind.

Another is thigh-highs, which probably boost your attractiveness more than any other clothing item — it is quite hard to overstate their impact, and they are severely underused. To be most effective they should reach mid-thigh and ideally pinch slightly to display thigh fat. Both stockings and thigh-high socks are great, though socks have a slightly more youthful appeal. Generally you should keep thigh-highs (and chokers) on when you get otherwise undressed.

Pleated miniskirts are close behind thigh-highs in terms of impact, particularly in plaid. They look extra attractive when combined with thigh-highs and are great for smaller hips as they add some volume. Micro minis are also great at home.

Some other impactful items are animal ears, juvenile print panties, and pigtails. These are more polarizing and won't be attractive to everyone, but some men like them a lot so they are worth trying or incorporating for variety. They work especially well if your body type and style benefit from leaning into the cute factor.

When it comes to lingerie, always choose lace or lace-accented bras. The most attractive color is black and it should be your go-to, after that white and pale pink, and after that red. Never ever wear flesh-colored or beige lingerie, it is extremely unattractive and pinks, mauves, and reds hide under tops almost as well anyway.

TODO: other considerations section? market dynamics, individual preferneces?

TODO: further reading, link to e.g. male attractiveness section, what men should do in turn, other

TODO: more to establish trustworthiness? that this is really what men like

TODO: that there's more to attractiveness, cf sasha chapin on responsiveness? inner work type shit

TODO: non-DBL htoness tech? ask claude? leggings, high rise elastic pants ? idk

TODO: everything from here down is a very rough draft and partially ai slop. it will be rewritten completely

Other important points#

TODO: paragraph about modesty, hot while not being trashy, "can show nipple if small breasts" etc

And again: height, leg length, thigh gaps, nails, handbags, brands, eye color — these actually don't really matter.

Surgery#

If you're comfortable with it, a good breast augmentation is the single most powerful way for a slim woman to increase her sex appeal. If you do this, reach your best weight first, then go bigger than the 350cc surgeons usually suggest: ~600cc on an average frame, ~800 max, scaled to your chest width. Some sag is preferred over a high-and-spherical shape. Vet surgeons hard, get three consults, compare their past work to ideal examples.

Never get a breast reduction without real medical need — when polled blind, men preferred the "before" photos, and reader comments called one reduction "vandalism". TODO: style

Nose jobs can transform a genuinely bad nose, but photograph yourself from ten feet before deciding, as arm's-length selfies distort.

Fat transfer waist-to-hips is the elegant tool for an hourglass figure: it shrinks the waist and rounds the hips in one procedure, and erases hip dips.

More generally, it's prudent to make the most of your natural beauty before you consider cosmetic surgery of any kind.

Faces#

When it comes to faces, men agree on pretty vs plain, but past that each man has a weirdly specific taste. In fact, when you collect examples of what faces one man finds attractive, they often end up looking like sisters.

TODO: some concretes on what is good, plus a general note like "due to this, indifference often means not matching taste, not ugliness — so don't stress it too much"

Motion#

A neglected factor contributing to your attractiveness is how you move. This is very learnable, just by practicing against videos. After which you claim it's natural, of course.

A small sway as you walk can have a powerful effect on men, especially if your posture is good. Walk placing each foot toward your midline to create hip sway — slow, calibrated to context.

Men prefer a butt-out, lower-back-arched-in posture in just about every position and context. Never bend with your back humped up.

Learn a few bounces and sways for private use.

The most attractive facial expressions combine seemingly contradictory elements: fear, pleasure, longing, bashfulness, hopeful uncertainty, embarrassment. Slightly open mouth is usually best; playful pouts and even fake shyness also help. The cold editorial "too good for you" gaze is anti-seductive.

Seduction#

Seduction is where the biggest returns hide, and the core misconception is that men want a passive woman to conquer. They don't. Men's fantasies center on women who visibly desire them and act on it unprompted. Men won't ask for what they want because the unprompted offer is the whole point. Violent domination is mostly a female fantasy men perform as a favor. [fantasy frequency data]

Aging: no wall at 30, but strategy shifts. Be bolder and more direct with age. Curves carry an increasing share of your appeal as youthful skin fades, and men into older women want more curves, not fewer, so augmentation pays more later, not less. [milf-tagged imagery skews bustier] Makeup becomes mandatory, hair stays long, sourness is the deadliest aging trait, candlelight is your friend.

The checklist, in order: best weight, makeup always, long hair, waist-fitted clothes, glute training, large augmentation if risk-tolerant, nose job only if clearly needed. Bonus: learn motion, it multiplies everything. And the last rule: unprompted regular cheerful oral outranks every cosmetic intervention combined.

Framing, so this doesn't crush you: beauty is an athletic skill, not your soul's report card. "You're perfect as you are" is the same sabotage as telling a skater technique doesn't matter. Ideals are supposed to be unreachable, they're directions, not requirements. Most women aren't failing from lack of effort, they're pouring effort into targets men never chose: thinness, trends, handbags, elegance. Aim first, then try.